Dan shares his ongoing struggle between his heterosexual lifestyle and the ever-present desire to explore his same-sex attraction.
As far back as I can remember I have been attracted to other men. Heck, my first crush was the Marlboro Man riding on his horse in all that leather, woof! But I also developed an attraction to women. As I grew older, the stigma of same-sex attraction became so ingrained in my psyche that I learned to hide and repress it. So throughout high school, university and my time in the military it was always there. I wanted to be a dad too, more than anything, so I caved into societal pressures and married a woman that I fell in love with. To this day she is my best friend and soulmate, the mother of both of our beautiful children. But the inner child - as I have heard it be called - longed for attention. I soothed it by watching same-sex porn in secret.
I had played with men before I met my wife, but again, that was suppressed and hidden away. It was like that until two years ago. For eighteen years I just soothed and put back to bed that hunger and longing - but I had to know so I went out and explored. I admit - probably not the right way to do it, but I needed to know, as the hunger and longing became overwhelming. That's no excuse, I know. The right thing would have been to be open and talk to her, but I was scared and very good at hiding things. I still am, sadly. I struggle everyday with it, wanting to tell everyone everything, to move on, to be fair to everyone, especially my wife - but I don't want to hurt her, ever.
I think I will get there one day, but until then I hide and sneak around but I’m very careful and safe - as much as I can be anyway. I know I need to talk more. It can't continue like this forever - so hopefully this is a good start.