David’s Story - Part Eight: “I’m much more content within myself.”
The final chapter of David's story. After a tumultuous four years, David has rebuilt his life and achieved some resolution, but he doesn’t feel he’s reached his ultimate destination. His involvement in Body Electric, an organization that runs courses helping men connect at a deep level with themselves and with other men, helped in this process.
On one level it is an ongoing journey. I need to watch my own wellbeing, I need to be careful that I don’t allow myself to become emotionally tired or physically exhausted from my activities. I need to make sure I exercise and that I eat reasonably well, that I pace myself with my work. If I don’t do that then I can slip back sometimes into feeling depressed, and then old negative thought patterns can re-emerge. Generally, all is well as long as I maintain my wellbeing and health and I don’t allow myself to get excessively stressed.
I try to avoid situations where I’m being pushed or stretched beyond where I feel safe or comfortable. Because I still can get fearful about feeling humiliated or feeling embarrassed in public, afraid of not being able to do a job and feeling ashamed. I can kick into those things when I’m tired. So I try to pace myself and manage my challenges a little bit more. But generally I’m in a much better place, I’m much more content within myself. I have a lovely group of friends. I know they love me and value me for who I am and my sexuality is not an issue. If anything it’s probably something they enjoy about me and celebrate with me.
In a short space of time, I now have a number of gay men that I know and I run into, that I have a connection with and a rapport with, through Body Electric or through GAMMA. And it’s just beautiful, it’s just a lovely way to be in the world. I couldn’t imagine being any different, I love my sexuality. I honestly don’t know why you’d want to be straight, I really don’t. That capacity to be with men, to have that sense of connection, to be with men of kind. It’s a brotherhood of men. And that sense of community and connection, it’s quite profound. I feel sad for straight men often who yearn for that sort of thing but don’t know it. They don’t have it, and are terrified of finding it and experiencing it.