Ryan's Personal Story
Ryan (not real name) explores coming to terms with his same-sex attraction while married with two kids.
As far back as I can remember I have been attracted to men. Hell, my first man crush was the Marlboro Man riding on his horse in all that leather, woof! But I also developed a healthy attraction to women. As I grew older, the stigma of same-sex attraction became so engrained in my psyche that I learned to hide it and repress it.
Throughout high school, university and my time in the military it was always there. I wanted to be a dad too, more than anything, so I caved into societal pressures and married a woman that I fell in love with. To this day she is my best friend and soulmate, the mother of both of our beautiful children. But the inner child as I have heard it called longed for attention. I soothed it by watching gay porn in secret. I had played with men before I met my wife but again, that was suppressed and hidden away. And so it was like that until two years ago. For 18 years I just soothed and put back to bed that hunger and longing. But I had to know so I went out and explored. I admit probably not the right way to do it, but I needed to know, as the hunger and longing became overwhelming.
That's no excuse, I know. The right thing would have been to be open and talk to her, but I was scared and very good at hiding things. I still am, sadly. I struggle everyday with it, wanting to tell everything, to move on, to be fair to everyone, especially my wife. But I don't want to hurt her, ever. I think I will get there one day, but until then I hide, sneak around, but am very careful and safe as much as I can be anyway. I know I need to talk more. It can't continue like this forever so hopefully this is a good start